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Like wine, we hope kids will smell better with age.

Kids live life at Volume 11, but often have their hygiene on mute, so the stink they can whip up is truly breathtaking. As in, plug your nose and hold your breath kind of breathtaking.

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Like wines, kids seem to ferment with age. Except there's nothing "fine" about their Cabernet Soverygross or Peeyoo Noir. Their clothes become deeply infused and we're the ones left to "enjoy" and launder their vintage stankiness.

What if there were descriptions for the "bouquet" coming off kids' clothes written like wine enthusiasts describe their adult grape juice?

The Barnyard

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A full-bodied, earthy fragrance with whispers of wet hay joined with the moldy undertones of an old dishwashing sponge.

You could've sworn you had a human child and not a wild animal that forages for food in a dumpster behind an all-you-can-eat buffet. Maybe you were wrong and you need to start looking for a tail.





Budding Flowers

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This scent politely invites itself into your senses with sweet, delicate notes of honey and crisp morning dew.

Your child has obviously never even been in the same room as this article of clothing.




The Tear-Jerker

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Packed with sharp, eye-watering notes of vinegar followed by a dog's moistened leather chew toy this one opens up.

Don't throw this in the trash unless you then light the trashcan on fire. Throw this one into the laundry machine while it's already running before the neighbors call a hazmat crew.




Château du Excrément

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A dank sewage cloud with piercing tones of burnt plastic and the tang of salty tears.

You can almost taste it, so handle it fast, but do so with care. It's obviously booby-trapped with a criminally terrible wipe job or full-scale "accident."


The Athlete

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Tangy locker-room vapors finish with the zesty scent of a coal miner.

Like the defense mechanism of certain animals, this article of clothing is trying to keep you away with a force field of repelling stench. This one tells the story of an entire season’s worth of professional athletes’ unwashed "lucky" socks.


Mustard Gas

This one leads with a medium-bodied fragrance of car seat yogurt with screaming notes of mace and dubstep.

You'll probably throw up in your mouth a little. Which would probably be an improvement over what just assaulted your nostrils.


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The Funk of 40,000 Years

Savage hints of skunk roadkill and hardboiled eggs are tied together with toxic rubber-cement-esque fumes.

Rest assured, your kid has not been turned and is not now one of the walking dead. Though, being a zombie would seem to explain a lot more about them, this is a perfectly natural unnatural smell. Do get rid of these clothes, though. Like, "bury them in a forest" type of get rid of.



The good news is Clorox® Regular-Bleach1 doesn’t just fight stains, it sanitizes and removes odor-causing bacteria from your bleachable laundry. For colored items reach for the Clorox 2® Stain Remover & Color Booster. It fights stains and keeps colors bright, while removing odors from fabrics.

How to Be a Dad is a paid contributor to Clorox's SpinCycle, helping you navigate the messiness of parenthood.