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5 Parenting Pro Tips

Life hacks. Parent hacks. Kid hacks. We’re all trying to hack into the computer of life to beat the game and the system. It can be little things like getting to school on time for the first time ever, or huge things like college applications or buying a house.

But to beat the system, you need tricks. You need advice from the trenches. You’ll need some Parenting Pro Tips.

Our particular brand of parenting pro tips may or may not be helpful, but they’ll make you laugh with recognition about things you’ve done, or simply because they’re pretty dumb. Either way, we hope these “help” in some way.

Broccolize

Tired of your treats being eaten by the ravenous little humans in your house? Cookies disappearing? Candy bars co-opted? Well, camouflage your own sugary treats in the least likely place: a freezer bag of vegetables. The height will set your treats apart, the cold temperature will freeze them out, and the vegetables scaring them off — representing a three-part security system.

Swipeout

Are your kids clumsy? Do they knock things over? Are they constantly slipping on something? The fix is simple: duct tape. But not in the way you think! Wrap them in duct tape with the sticky side facing outwards. It’s like a reverse flytrap for kids! This way, they’ll never forget their glasses, shoes, sweatshirts — anything ever again! And falling is a thing of the past.

Blockbusted

Tired of stepping on random toys and blocks on the floor? Wear extra padding on your feet, and while you’re at it, the rest of your body. The only way to protect yourself from projectiles and assorted impaling implements on the floor is adequate padding.

Bathroomies

Kids won’t leave you alone. Ever. Even when you go to the bathroom. So, you know what? If they’re going to bother you, why not make the commode a duplex. Add a second toilet or couch to your bathroom. That way they can ask you all the questions, show you their new LEGO creation, tell on their sibling, and eat snacks — all without knocking or screaming for you.

Pull up a seat, kids. We’re going to be a while.

KidBit

Are you competitive? Do you wear a device on your wrist or elsewhere that tracks your daily activity/steps? It’s time to take matters into your own hands. Well, not yours, exactly. Give your kids your wearable device. In a matter of minutes you’ll rack up more points or steps than your entire week combined. The age of your children may vary, as well as the mileage they accrue.

How to Be a Dad is a paid contributor to Clorox’s SpinCycle helping you navigate the messiness of parenthood.