By Kendra Alvey
My husband and I live in Los Angeles. Finding a great place to live here can be harder than finding a waiter without a Screen Actors Guild card or a girl who actually eats gluten.
But against all odds, we scored the perfect place. I’m serious! Hardwood floors, all-new appliances, crown molding, two parking spaces, laundry room, great yard and even normal-seeming neighbors who don’t keep roosters as pets.
The drawback? One bathroom. I know, I know — it’s a pretty big drawback.
But, we’ve adjusted. We’re making it work. Have there been issues? Sure.
Have there been times when I wanted to burn down the place and start a new life with a new identity (specifically where I wear a pink wig and a cool eye patch that makes me look like a badass criminal, capable of arson, and NOT a kid at a pirate party)? Absolutely. But we’re making do.
Allow me to share our most UGH-inducing moments, so that you may learn from them. Or cringe at them. I mean ... your choice.
1. Even the best guys forget to put the seat down once in a while.
There was the time we’d enjoyed a few too many glasses of Shiraz with dinner. I stumbled to the bathroom, lifted my skirt and promptly fell into the toilet, dunking my bare bottom in the bowl like it was bobbing for apples.
It’s hard to come back from that, folks; but on the bright side — to this day, I no longer sit without checking first.
2. Make sure the door is all the way closed.
There was the time I had hair removal goop in places I didn’t want my husband to know I had hair. The dog nosed the door open, the husband walked by, and when we locked eyes I was so embarrassed that I did a little tap dance. You know, to distract him (I’m pretty sure it worked). He hasn’t even mentioned it!
3. "Don’t go in there!" AKA: Look, stink happens.
You can try your heart out to make it go away. You can crack a window, air-freshen the room like you’re a demonic sprinkler, and jump up and down waving your arms saying, “Stink be gone!” But sometimes it’s just gonna smell.
We had to learn to let each other know if waiting a bit would be to the other person’s benefit.
4. Meet beard confetti: regular confetti's gross uncle.
Because I shave my legs in the shower, and the stubble politely goes down the drain (and because I’m an optimist), my first thought when I noticed a sprinkling of black particles all over the marble counter one night was that it was pepper. Yes, like salt & pepper. Like my husband was eating over the bathroom sink and just needed to get his spice on.
But NO, he had just been shaving. IN THE MESSIEST WAY POSSIBLE.
5. Hair clumps WILL get left behind.
If there’s one thing I have a lot of — it’s hair. I have long, thick and curly hair; and when I shower, I shed. To avoid all of that hair going down the drain and clogging it, I do what I can: I stick it on the wall until I’m done shaving and loofah-ing and belting out my favorite tunes.
The problem is that the hair ends up looking like a creepy creature from the black lagoon. One time I forgot and left it there, chilling on the wall like a cool guy in an ’80s movie, and it scared my poor husband half to death.
Still, better than clogging the drain, right? Right??
6. Sick happens.
After years of smugly going without the husband ever catching me indisposed, the worst thing possible happened. You ask, did I find myself in a never-ending line at the DMV next to a close talker who wouldn’t stop going on about his Beanie Baby collection? Good guess, but it’s even worse. I caught a really bad stomach flu.
I went from my husband thinking I was a sweet butterfly with NO bodily functions — to him seeing me red-faced, puking my guts out and crying, “JUST LET ME DIEEEEEEE,” into the toilet bowl.
But, you know what? I got over the flu, and we both got over the moment. I am now a sweet, non-pukey butterfly again.
7. Anything that’s not yours can be gross.
Sometimes there’s a glob of something on the sink or the floor or the side of the tub. It’s probably hair gel or shaving cream or toothpaste. But when you share a bathroom with your significant other, all you know is that it isn’t your hair gel or shaving cream or toothpaste, which for some reason makes it disgusting.
My go-to move is to grab it with a tissue while saying “yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck,” and then dramatically toss it into the trash can. Then I stalk off like I saved the world from aliens.
Editor’s tip: Sharing a bathroom with your significant other can make you wish you had a magic wand to clean things up quickly and easily. With Clorox® ToiletWand®, you do! Click, swish and then toss the head away.