107937

Moments that call for epic parenting saves

I’ll admit that it’s been many years since I held a parenting book in my hands, but I trust my memory when I say that I’m fairly certain not a single one of those guides mentioned any of these scary truths of parenting.

And don’t get me wrong, being a parent is a terrific job, it’s just that if all the facts of the gig were fully disclosed beforehand, maybe some of us would’ve opted for a different occupation. There’s some truly scary stuff we encounter as parents.

Here are 6 scary things about parenting no one tells you about.

1. 4th Grade Math Vertical Number Lines
Were these a thing 30 years ago? If so, I don’t know how they ever let me proceed through elementary school because I’ve never encountered anything as perplexing in my life. I’d rather solve for X or Y or Q or whatever than try to understand my daughter’s 4th grade vertical number line homework.

2. Emergency Poster Board Project
Discovering your child has an elaborate poster board project due tomorrow morning and, of course, you don't have a single piece of poster board handy and, of course, this new information is coming to light at precisely 9:03 p.m. and Target has just closed.

3. Bloody Nose Nightmares
It’s not that middle-of-the-night bloody noses are necessarily messier than 10:43 a.m. or 3:17 p.m. bloody noses, but when you’re startled awake in the pitch black of night by a child who’s crying because there’s blood dripping down their face, neck and pillow (like the window display of a Halloween pop-up store), everything seems messier and scarier.

4. Parenting and Relationship Showdown
You and your partner in crime might not always agree on the best approach to parenting your kiddo, and that chasm may, over time, cause friction that ends up negatively impacting the little one you both were trying so hard to protect from such things. It can be scary to grow apart and no one tells you about the potential for that to happen.

5. Mainstream Music Madness
The music of mainstream childhood — that of TV shows and pop-culture movies is, by and large, nauseating. There’s amazing family music "underground," made by artists who have actual songwriting skill and musical chops — but no one tells you about all this until your kid is nearly out of the target demographic. There’s absolutely no need to suffer through the slop, dig a little bit deeper and bask in the glow of the "real stuff" for the whole of their childhood.

6. The Smelly Seasons of Kids
Finally, no one tells you that the little babe who smells sweetly of baby powder and fresh-cut roses, and who ADORES her bath time, will quickly morph into a cloud of armpit stench, butt vapor and old gym socks. And, naturally, it is precisely at this moment that she will cease to enjoy spending quality time in the tub or shower. Perfect timing, kid.

OWTK is a paid contributor to Clorox's SpinCycle, helping you navigate the messiness of parenthood.