…and other amazing adventures of Super Dad-Bod
The time has finally arrived for me to stop peeking through the barely separated blinds that lead from my living room to the outside world. Cast away for the season are my adult mittens and novelty mukluks.
It’s time to dig deep and explode, shattering my exterior, sending shards of my winter Dad-Bod into the stratosphere.
1. With the neighborhood pool opening up, perhaps you’ve had that overwhelming guilt and obsession (along with skin cancer articles that populate your Facebook timeline) with making certain that you apply sunscreen to every inch of your kids’ exposed skin. Using full motion from the top of the shoulder down to the fingertips in a vigorous fashion will tone up those biceps AND triceps simultaneously.
2. Once I get everyone back from the pool, I move on to my forearms. On average, I’m asked to open in excess of a thousand popsicles or frozen yogurt tubes each season. You’d be surprised how chiseled you can get that real estate between your wrist and elbow with a few dozen twists.
3. Once we’ve all swam a few laps and consumed our weight in sugary juice, it’s time to dial in on my lower half. I know that most of you don’t live on a golf course, but this can be done anywhere. I’ve been saddled with the burden of having my 3-year-old see how far he can push any boundaries — in my case, waiting JUST until I decide to use the restroom and then opening up the back patio door to make a run for it, out onto the 18th fairway. This vigorous task has strengthened my calves and made my thighs look like redwoods.
4. And as we near the close of a long spring and summer day — I can’t avoid the cardio. This involves walking up and down our street and searching the cul-de-sac for a collection of bicycles, wagons and Big Wheels. It just seems that they can always get where they’re going with that bike — but never bring it back.
5. And last but not least (a classic that I discovered over our spring break), watching the sun go down by zoning in on my thumbs — because these are important too. The key to this exercise is being repetitively asked to change the movie we’re watching, when we’re only 12 minutes in. A handful of programming switches will have you auditioning to be a hand model for the big leagues in no time.
I hope you enjoyed how I’ve managed to suspend my gym membership from April through September and I’ll look for you out on the golf course!
DadOrAlive is a paid contributor to Clorox’s SpinCycle, helping you navigate the messiness of parenthood.